Letter to a friend: On becoming a Mom

• Hey You,
  I was thinking about the whole 'becoming a new person when you become a Mom thing'. I thought of a new analogy that seems less terrifying than the idea of your personality being sucked into motherhood (which sounds kiind of like scary science fiction monster business to me) , like it was sounding yesterday when we were talking in group.
  An analogy that seemed more closer to actuality was , 'it's like getting new shoes'. At first it can be painful, and you can look a little ridiculous, and feel self-concious, when you're trying to get used to walking in them, but eventually they form to you.
  Which is what you have to do with motherhood as well. You have to figure out how to be a Mom , and be yourself too. And it takes some time. But like the new shoes, eventually it will be the most comfortable thing in the world.
  In the mean time there's blisters The balm that takes the sting out really is talking to other Moms. And being honest. In a safe place , where we have agreed to help each other rather than judge each other. You will find that the deepest darkest things that you are scared to admit, are all totally fine, and releasing that fear and discontent can make it evaporate, in a way. 
  Honestly parenthood is hard, it doesn't make you happy. Like a general overall happiness. It makes you tired, confused and exasperated  a lot of the time. 
  But it does offer a totally transendant bliss when you see first smiles and first steps and you get to have those first amazing conversations with someone who is full of wonder and love and curiosity.It doesn't make you happy but it's still totally way more than worth it. 
  Being a Mom to an infant comes on all of a sudden. Being a Mom to a 7 year old and a ten year old. Those are hugely different as well, but you have time and experience under you belt and you can ease into it. You have time with your kid to grow together, and your relationship is established. A baby is like a bomb being dropped on you from out of the sky, you have to scramble to become that person, that Mom person.
  And you learn about yourself, and just how deep the depths of your soul are, just how far you will go for another person, just how much you can love without your heart bursting out of your chest. It is amazing to find out just how much you can love someone, and see the world as a parent, a protector, a designer of a young life. Being comforting, supportive, planning fun trips, making neat projects, baking together, playing soccer together, READING  together (Oh my god, the best thing in the world). These experiences will challenge and enrich and strengthen you, and you will find out how powerful this universe sized love is, For me, never having known that feeling, that would be tragic and life would seem so boring.
  Just give it time, eventually it will fit with you, you already are a Mom, and a total natural. And you are a funny person, a loving person and a smart person. What better could you offer a little person? You being you is all she needs.
  Also, when you see those stroller Moms strolling placidly down the avenue, they seem like they are totally satisfied with strolling and burping, chatting at Starbucks and looking at receiving blankets, but they are people too. Complicated , complex and passionate, Mom culture can be deceiving, they probably go home and do all kinds of fascinating things, and think all kinds of complicated thoughts, just like you and me.
  We (me too) have a terrible way of looking at other people and assuming they are doing so well, and are so happy, and their lives are perfect. It always looks like that from the outside, but we're all in it in the same way. I promise.
  There is a balance for you. I can say with certainty, you need to go do fun stuff . Take her to see weird foreign films that only you would enjoy. Go walking along the beach like the other stroller Moms if thats what you like. Or go wandering around malls, or visit the little shops  downtown , or go buy fruit in chinatown or sit around beatnik cafes hitting on men, or wander around a hardware store. Or whatever YOU like. You. Because you're awesome, and there's no greater gift you can give her than yourself.
  I enjoy hardware stores and thrift stores, and art supplies. That's me. You I am sure have different oddities. Go explore them with an Ergo attached to you, or however you do it.
  And take care of yourself.